He also mentioned that time was not on our side and advised us to go private to see a specialist quickly. At 38, I was already too old to be placed on an NHS fertility treatment waiting list, so saving time at this stage would be vital if I needed treatment as well.The urologist confirmed our worst fears, but told us to contact a licensed fertility clinic which we would find on the website of the HFEA – Human Fertility and Embryology Authority, the government body responsible for monitoring all UK fertility centres. Nothing can be done to correct it.I didn’t want to accept that we had no alternative to using sperm from a donor, so I contacted my gynaecologist for any advice he could offer. He suggested that we see a urologist to rule out any of the possible problems such as blocked tubes, preventing sperm from getting out into the ejaculate. Azoospermia, the medical term for a zero sperm count, is the “black hole” of fertility treatment.
No one knows the cause; there are no visible symptoms or indications of the condition. Bruce is a slim, healthy, ex-rugby-playing young man who has probably never produced sperm, perhaps due to a microdeletion, or missing piece of his Y chromosome. Because of my history of minor gynaecological problems, we asked our GP to run tests. As a result, we discovered that my fertility was fine – the problem lay with Bruce.More than 30 per cent of the problems with sub-fertility or infertility are caused by a male factor. We both wanted children and had been trying to conceive for nearly a year, without success. I look back at the doctor.”Is this common?” I ask.”No, not really.”The doctor is looking at Bruce, who appears to have “checked out” of the situation.
I want to give his hand a squeeze, but I can’t move.”Is there anything we can do?” I venture.”No, I don’t think there is, I’m afraid,” she replies. “Now I hate to jump the gun, Caroline, but – donor sperm…”What is she talking about? I don’t want sperm from a complete stranger! “What about Bruce?” I want to shout. “It’s his baby I want!”I watch Bruce re-cross his legs, shifting his weight and sinking deeper into the chair. Our GP notices as well as she tries to comfort him by saying: “It doesn’t make you any less of a man, you know.”Bruce and I had been together for six years. “There aren’t any.”"Aren’t any what?” I’m confused – no records, no results, no what?”No sperm, I’m afraid.”"What, none at all?” Bruce is looking at the floor and saying nothing. After a few exasperated groans, she triumphs: “Ah! There we are!” A short pause.
The doctor is finishing some paperwork as we walk through the door. As we sit down, she spins to face us in her swivel chair and smiles
Our names are called from reception. Remember how long it can seem to spend a day spent in a foreign city, where every new experience is novel and an adventure.*Savour the present. Acknowledge that you are not “going” anywhere, that the future will not be any more pleasant or rich. It will be another easily missed moment.*Formal meditation practice is a wake-up call beyond being continually caught in liking and disliking, wanting and rejecting as well as destructive and unexamined emotional habits That’s why it’s worth the challenge.. Our names are called from reception.